i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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