Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
