I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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