Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This is classic penis vs brain.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
