I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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