oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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