i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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