why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
