Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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