I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
