He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
