she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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