Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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