I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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