Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
