dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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