Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
