Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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