my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
