the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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