cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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