Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
