The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
3 2 1 whiskey
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
