so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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