Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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