I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
