We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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