can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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