Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
