Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
