So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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