awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
