I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
