My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
