so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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