I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
