and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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