I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
