i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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