Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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