Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
