idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
