Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
