I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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