The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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