I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
