I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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