The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
