I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
