You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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