i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
we're so committed to being not committed
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
